What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 12:51
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why does the USA continue to be the driver of the world economy?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Ive learnt so much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Eum sit quibusdam aperiam culpa ipsa culpa odio.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My family never makes their pension either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
I have no regrets .
I was seconnd youngest,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is soul school!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.